Physicist: I won’t tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “
Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

A: They both say, “Hallo!”

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” the man replies. “Can you get him for me?” she asks. “I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him”, she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

The lawyer pulled fifty dollars from his wallet and said, “Paint my house.”

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.
The operator says “Calm down. I can help.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

The man says “What’s the problem officer?”

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir. I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.}

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail Light!

Wife: Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your damn mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife: “No, only when he’s been drinking.”

- Lady, I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!